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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that professional help might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This journey will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.