Nighttime Personalities Lampoon Trump's Controversial 'Gold Card' Immigration Scheme

Television's top entertainers devoted their airtime mocking President Donald Trump's just announced immigration initiative, dubbed the "Trump card," portraying it as a clear pay-to-play arrangement for the rich.

Stephen Colbert's Pointed Take

Starting his broadcast, Stephen Colbert presented a sardonic Christmas tune directed at the president. "He's making a list, checking it twice, then giving that list to the officials at ICE," he intoned. "Trump ... destroys everything he handles."

The subject was the new program that enables foreign citizens to purchase U.S. legal status for a sum of a million dollars, or "top-tier" version for 5 million. An official portal guarantees processing "in record time."

"A quick note here to affluent applicants: before you fork over the cash, maybe think about Canada?" Colbert joked.

He pointed out that the card is also meant to "squeeze cash" from companies wishing to hire skilled workers, requiring large fees. "That's a lot of fees, though if you enroll, you additionally get free accommodation at a hotel of your selection – provided that it's the a specific Marriott," he continued.

"Unprecedented screening the government has ever done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these people absolutely qualify to be in America."

"That's important, you have to prove you're suitable to be an American," Colbert said dryly. "The initial query: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Roast

On his own program, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the visa program the "American Dream Express Card."

"It's a card that will permit affluent international individuals to live here," he stated. "In exchange for a million bucks, you get official visitor status, you get a road to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one major crime of your choosing."

"It might be time to update that inscription on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your tired masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel lampooned the brevity of the form, noting it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."

"That's right, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel joked. "That's what Jesus constantly said! It's in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers discussing Affordability Struggles

Meanwhile, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's slipping poll numbers during economic anxiety. "The public gave Donald Trump a second term since they were angry about the economy," he noted.

Recently, in a attempt to discuss prices, Trump conducted a briefing in front of a display of grocery items, where he reacted peculiarly to some cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a long time."

"He is so incredibly weird," Meyers reacted. "What do you mean, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What exactly happens with those Cheerios?"

Meyers wrapped up by criticizing conservative news coverage of Trump's economic performance. "Maybe instead of complaining, you should give him a shiny trophy similar to the one FIFA did," he remarked.